REM

 At age 53 I know when I get married it will be to someone who has already had a marriage with children.  Honestly, I did not want to marry anyone with children because it is too much drama for me.  Children have resentment toward the stepparent.  I believe most children have resentment because the other parent did not involve them in the courting part before the marriage.  There is also baby mama drama, which I can’t deal with. 

When I was 12 my father got married for the third time.  First, before he got married, he was dating two women.  One had a child and the other had never been married before.  I did not know he was dating a woman who had never been married before.  The one who had the child, we went on a scavenger hunt with her, and her son and we had a good time.  We did not go anywhere with the single woman.  She never took the time to get to know us, but she is the one my father chooses to marry.  It was so hard to understand why my father chose her and I will never know.   After they got married, she closed herself off from my brother and I and would only deal with my father, luckily, we lived with another family who took the time to be there for us.

There is a Nuclear System of a family that consists of two adults and one or more children who are the progeny of the adults. There is a Remarried System (REM) which consists of two adults and one or more children.  Each child has been parented by only one of the adults.

I have always been a part of the REM system.  The REM family is the new family, if there has not been enough consolidation, an adolescent child may be extruded.  I felt extruded all the time.  I could never understand why I was not included in my mother’s household or my father’s. 

When in a REM family four types of understanding must have by the stepparent.  One, accepting the relationship with the spouse that has the children will take two years to come to normalcy.   

Second, birth parents do all the heavy discipline, which I can understand, the other parent may not like the stepparent disciplining their children and the children may resent the stepparent for the discipline. 

Third, a stepparent should be the best, fantastic Aunts and Uncles they can be.  When I heard this, I phrase I thought about how I love to laugh and hug children and found out how they are.  Don’t let them hurt themselves if they come and tell you something harmful to them.  Guide them to positivity and love them for who they are. 

Fourth, council daily with your spouse behind closed doors.  This part shocked me, council with your spouse.  Will the spouse want to council with the other spouse?   I found it amazing how communication is key in each relationship you have.  I would think that the spouse would not want to hear someone speaking of their child.

Most people want to have a perfect nuclear family, but in the world today most families are in the REM family.  I want to believe that I can have a relationship with a spouse who we can communicate with about his children and his children’s mother.  I feel he would but them first and not me.  I know that sounds selfish, but I don’t need the drama.

 

 

 

Contact & Belonging

 Michael Popkin was a family therapist from California who worked with overwhelmed parents and unhappy children, and he saw a need to give parents the tools they needed to help their children to become responsible adults. 

As we study some of the tools for parents it made me reflect on my own life as a child and as a mother how well my parenting skills were and how I grow up as a child.

Here are some thoughts he came up with for children and parents.

Kids need contact and feel that they belong to something.  When children don’t get contact or feel belong, they will start seeking attention and they will seek the wrong attention. Parents should offer contact freely and teach children to contribute to the house so they can feel they belong. 

Kids need protection, when children don’t feel protected, they will rebel and seek revenge on the person that has hurt them.  Parents need to teach children to be assertive but have forgiveness.  The only way they will learn forgiveness is if they see their parent forgiving others.

Kids need to feel the power, without power they will rebel and seek control there will be consequences to some of their rebellion but let them know they will have to be responsible for the consequences.  They can also choose the punishment.

Kids will withdraw sometimes when parents try to overwhelm them with tasks that are too hard for them to complete.  Some tasks make take a while to do but if you take a break from that task and start over again the child won’t withdraw or avoid it.

Kids will take on challenges, some may be too hard for you to handle.  Allow your children the opportunity to build skills.  Talk with them, be approachable, and be loving and kind to help them understand the risk they are taking. 

As I was learning these parenting skills It made me think about my life as a child.  I was always told I was a bad child.  I never remembered what I did as a child, but I can see some things that I did.  As a child, I did not receive contact or a feeling of belonging.  I have always been pushed away, put in a corner, and sent somewhere else to be handled.  I don’t blame my parents because they were raised the same way.  When children were bad you sent them somewhere to get straight.

I hope I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings, but this is therapeutic for me.  I realize why I was bad, or attention-seeking, there was no contact with anyone.  The only time I receive contact was when I was spanked.  No hugs no kind words no love, just a kid who was born to a family with unhappiness. 

I remember moving in with my grandmother, I was away from my mother, father, and brother. I lived in a house where my grandmother took care of old people and I sleep in the house away from the family with the older people sleeping downstairs and me upstairs.  My grandmother checked on me each day and made sure I went to school but at night I was away by myself. Still no contact and no belonging.  Did this little girl understand what was happening to her, not at all?

Contact and belonging are important as an adult, imagine a little girl wanting to be loved by anyone.  As a mother myself, I tried to raise my child so differently from how I was raised.

 In the back of my head, my mother saw that she needed to save her little girl, but I saw that no one loved me.  It’s amazing how parenting can be effective in one’s life. 

Finances

 I have procrastinated enough, I waited until the last minute to write this blog because I wanted to write about finances.  I could have written something else, but this subject stayed in my heart the most this week.  Finances are a very hard subject for me to deal with.  I know I am learning about family relations and about how to love one another, and how to have a good marriage, but this week gave me palpitations because it’s about finances.

One reason I dislike speaking about finances is society has made it one of the main reasons why couples don’t get married right away.  Couples decide that they must have this elaborate wedding and must save for a couple of years before that can happen.  The second reason is one part of the couple has a problem with finances and until they learn how to get that part of their life together, they will have to wait for marriage.  The third reason for finances and no marriage is, that I won’t be with anyone who has terrible credit, or they don’t have money saved.  I am not one to save for a rainy day and I will need help with this aspect of my life. 

Elder Marvin J. Ashton a member of the Council of the twelve apostles from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints wrote a talk in 1975 about finances called “One for the Money – Guide to Family Finance.  The talk was turned into a pamphlet and a guide to all church members to work on finances in their households.  I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten this pamphlet and tried to follow it and just threw it in the garbage because I never followed it.   When I saw it this time I wanted to scream “NOT AGAIN” I thought I got away from it.

I believe Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something, but it was not what I thought.  This time I saw the pamphlet in a different light.

In this pamphlet, Elder Ashton states “marriage tragedies are not caused simply by lack of money, but rather by the mismanagement of personal finances.  Money management should take precedence over money productivity.  In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decisions and policymaking.  Peace, contentment, love, and security in the home are not possible when financial anxieties bickering prevail.”

Elder Ashton has twelve points that will help families achieve this goal he believes.” I won’t go over all of them, but I will talk about the ones that hit my heart.

1.       Pay an honest tithing – If our tithing and fast offerings are the first obligations met following the receipt of each paycheck our commitment to this important gospel principle will be strengthened and the likelihood of financial mismanagement will be reduced.  I will testify to that!!

2.       Learn to manage money before it manages you – New attitudes and relationships toward money should be developed constantly by all couples.  Conversely, if a marriage partner voluntarily removes himself or herself entirely from family financial management, that is an abdication of necessary responsibility.  Honestly, I was going to do that when I got married but I see it is wrong and it can make contention in the marriage.

3.       Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters – Couples should recognize that they cannot immediately maintain the same spending patterns and lifestyle as that to which they were accustomed.  Darn!

4.       Use a budget – Every family must have a predetermined understanding of how much money will be available each month and the amount to be spent.  Heart attack!

5.       Teach family members early the importance of working and earning – One of the greatest favors parents can do for their children is to teach them to work.  So true.

6.       Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend – children should be responsible for financial decisions affecting their own money and suffer the consequences of unwise spending.  Money doesn’t grow on trees!!

7.       Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare – As children mature, they should understand the family’s financial position, budget and investment goals, and individual responsibilities within the family. 

8.       Make education a continuing process – complete as much formal, full-time education as possible, including trade schools and apprentice programs.  This is true education is continual.

9.       Work toward home ownership – home ownership qualifies as an investment, not consumption.

10.   Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program – It is most important to have sufficient medical, automobile, and homeowner’s insurance and adequate life insurance.  Make sure you have life insurance.

11.   Understand the influence of external forces on family finances and investments – Inflation continues to offset a major portion of average wage increases.  A larger paycheck may not mean more purchasing power and should not be an excuse for extravagant purchases or additional debt. Save save save!!

12.   Appropriately involve yourself in food storage and emergency preparedness program – accumulate your food storage and emergency supplies in a systematic and orderly way. Always.

 

As I was reading these twelve points, I find it amazing that President Spencer W. Kimball wanted to have this pamphlet to guide the Latter-day Saints in 1975.  This pamphlet and the words of Elder Ashton ring true today.  I may not be able to follow a budget, but I will work on other points that will lead me to learn and grow about following a budget.  I am grateful that I could see this pamphlet as a guide to help me grow and not as something to make me feel bad about saving and money.