REM

 At age 53 I know when I get married it will be to someone who has already had a marriage with children.  Honestly, I did not want to marry anyone with children because it is too much drama for me.  Children have resentment toward the stepparent.  I believe most children have resentment because the other parent did not involve them in the courting part before the marriage.  There is also baby mama drama, which I can’t deal with. 

When I was 12 my father got married for the third time.  First, before he got married, he was dating two women.  One had a child and the other had never been married before.  I did not know he was dating a woman who had never been married before.  The one who had the child, we went on a scavenger hunt with her, and her son and we had a good time.  We did not go anywhere with the single woman.  She never took the time to get to know us, but she is the one my father chooses to marry.  It was so hard to understand why my father chose her and I will never know.   After they got married, she closed herself off from my brother and I and would only deal with my father, luckily, we lived with another family who took the time to be there for us.

There is a Nuclear System of a family that consists of two adults and one or more children who are the progeny of the adults. There is a Remarried System (REM) which consists of two adults and one or more children.  Each child has been parented by only one of the adults.

I have always been a part of the REM system.  The REM family is the new family, if there has not been enough consolidation, an adolescent child may be extruded.  I felt extruded all the time.  I could never understand why I was not included in my mother’s household or my father’s. 

When in a REM family four types of understanding must have by the stepparent.  One, accepting the relationship with the spouse that has the children will take two years to come to normalcy.   

Second, birth parents do all the heavy discipline, which I can understand, the other parent may not like the stepparent disciplining their children and the children may resent the stepparent for the discipline. 

Third, a stepparent should be the best, fantastic Aunts and Uncles they can be.  When I heard this, I phrase I thought about how I love to laugh and hug children and found out how they are.  Don’t let them hurt themselves if they come and tell you something harmful to them.  Guide them to positivity and love them for who they are. 

Fourth, council daily with your spouse behind closed doors.  This part shocked me, council with your spouse.  Will the spouse want to council with the other spouse?   I found it amazing how communication is key in each relationship you have.  I would think that the spouse would not want to hear someone speaking of their child.

Most people want to have a perfect nuclear family, but in the world today most families are in the REM family.  I want to believe that I can have a relationship with a spouse who we can communicate with about his children and his children’s mother.  I feel he would but them first and not me.  I know that sounds selfish, but I don’t need the drama.