B6 Do we know how to date?

 I think about my life and realize I never knew how to date.  I lived in this fantasy world thinking that prince charming was going to sweep me off my feet and take care of me for the rest of my life. 

As a child, I wanted someone to save me, make my life stable and protect me from all the bad in it. 

At church, we were taught to save ourselves for marriage.  If we did as the Lord commands us, we would find that eternal partner to grow old with and live with them forever.  I waited and waited, and he never came.  I was the only black girl, who was overweight and loud in a sea of white girls who had nice shapes, long hair, and were quiet.  I was always the friend. 

At school life was different, I was amongst my peers who looked like me.  I didn’t have to save myself and wait for marriage.  Most kids in my school were having sex and it was no big deal, but I was living a life of covenant-keeping with the Lord.  I had boyfriends but I had a father who wanted me to keep my covenants and he never made it easy for me to date outside of my religion.  At the same time, there was no one for me to date in my religion. I had to make a choice.

I made the choice to live in the world and do as others did when it came to dating. I broke my covenants with the Lord and had sex before marriage. 

At first, I was happy having sex, but after a while, it was fear that made me have sex.  Afraid of someone not loving me, afraid that since I was overweight, I should be lucky that someone wanted to have sex with me or be with me.  My self-esteem was broken.

This week the Lord taught me about dating, as I learned what dating is I felt blessed to know how the Lord wants me to love myself and gain knowledge and wisdom to help others.  

There is a difference between dating and hanging out. Dating is where you take your time to get to know the person and have one on one time outside of the home.  Hanging is not doing anything but staying at each other’s home and watching movies and getting intimate too early in the relationship.  Whether you date or hang out it sets the tone for the relationship you will have with that person.

When people are ready to date, physical appearance is the most important factor we look for first.  Appearance is important for attracting a mate, we may see someone handsome and well-dressed, and we believe they are successful and has a good head on their shoulders.  People judge each other at first sight. A well-groomed individual gives a different first impression than an unkempt one.  This can be a downfall for people because they are basing their hopes and dreams of marriage on what they see first.  Physical appearance will fade and then it is time for a real relationship.

In an article from “Focus on the Family” people get to know each other by spending time together, you should build a real friendship with someone before pursuing romance. As the two of you experience things together, you will gradually discover the truth about one another’s morals, values, attitudes, and ways of treating other people. This will help you decide whether to go beyond the stage of friendship.

Hanging out or chilling in the crib can be harmful to your relationship.  I used to hate when guys would say “when are you going to cook for me” NEVER!  That was code for I only want sex nothing else, you are not worth my time, and I don’t care about you. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks states, “Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door” (Dating versus Hanging Out).

 I am grateful for learning this and I pray that I will listen and understand dating and marriage.

 

The Move

 Third Blog:

Mother: sitting in the kitchen pondering about the day’s events that will change, life forever.  Wondering if all the planning that the family has made will work.  Before leaving the room, this morning bowing down to pray, hoping God is going to help lift the burden on the family.  The question to God is, will this be better for the children?

Weeks ago, a plan was prepared for your husband to go to America to establish a home for the family, and then they would join him in six months.  Your heart is pounding, how will you survive without him?  Father has taken care of this family since you have been married now the household is your responsibility.  Father would not be at the head of the table, and you will not share in the raising of the children for a while but it will be worth it in the end. 

How will the children handle not having their father for six months?  Your oldest daughter got married a year ago and now expecting her first child, she will need her father and mother to teach her how to be a good parent.  By the time she has the baby, you will be leaving for America.  Your son will miss his cousins, he is so close to them.  It saddens you when you told him that the family will be going to America for a better life for him.  He was not happy.  The twins are young, they don’t understand what is happening, they just think it’s a new adventure and can’t wait to reunite with their father once in America. 

The plan to get to America was not easy, all the money that was saved for retirement is now being used to get father to America.  He must get there in a boat with others trying to get to America.  You pray he does not get caught or the boat capsids.  There is family over there waiting for him, but you are still worried.  Will, the smugglers taking him to America be kind to him, you have heard stories of immigrants getting hurt by the smugglers and taking their money.

You think going to America will help the children get ahead by educating them in America and having them learn English to ensure they had a better future in their own native country.  When they learn English, they will be able to help other family members to survive in America.   

You have heard once children get to America, they become Americanized and do not keep the traditions of their country.  It will be a great heartbreak if the children lose their traditions.  Tradition is very important in your culture, and you don’t want the children to walk away from it. 

Will this change the family, you know it will, but you and your husband will make the sacrifice.  It will be difficult and stressful, but you love your family, and they need this to have better opportunities.

 

Well, let’s get this move started…

 

 

 

 

 

Family Role

 We all play a role in life: the Executive, the secretary, the teacher, the student, the retail worker, the manager, the President, etc. What role do we play in our families or what role do we choose to play in our families?

In Family Theory systems all family members take on roles. Family roles are defined as recurring patterns of behavior developed through interaction that family members use to fulfill family functions. Studies have shown that how we are born are the roles that we take on in our families.

The firstborn is the protector and helps the other children with problems at home even when they must deal with the same problems. The second child is the troublemaker who does poorly in school and promises to do better but can never achieve. The third child is the quiet one, who stays out of the way, and does not want to be noticed.  The fourth child is the clown, who does everything to make everyone laugh to make the family problem less brash.

When I think about my life and what role I choose to play in my family I did not get the chance to play a role because I was in so many different families when I was younger my role didn’t form until I was about 14.  When I turned 14, I finally had a home that was stable and sure.  My role was to make sure that I did nothing wrong for me to be taken to another family. 

I recognized myself in all the children except the firstborn.  I was the second born but in each household that I lived in most of the time, I was the last born.  What was my role just trying to survive each household I lived in. 

What role are you?