B6 Do we know how to date?

 I think about my life and realize I never knew how to date.  I lived in this fantasy world thinking that prince charming was going to sweep me off my feet and take care of me for the rest of my life. 

As a child, I wanted someone to save me, make my life stable and protect me from all the bad in it. 

At church, we were taught to save ourselves for marriage.  If we did as the Lord commands us, we would find that eternal partner to grow old with and live with them forever.  I waited and waited, and he never came.  I was the only black girl, who was overweight and loud in a sea of white girls who had nice shapes, long hair, and were quiet.  I was always the friend. 

At school life was different, I was amongst my peers who looked like me.  I didn’t have to save myself and wait for marriage.  Most kids in my school were having sex and it was no big deal, but I was living a life of covenant-keeping with the Lord.  I had boyfriends but I had a father who wanted me to keep my covenants and he never made it easy for me to date outside of my religion.  At the same time, there was no one for me to date in my religion. I had to make a choice.

I made the choice to live in the world and do as others did when it came to dating. I broke my covenants with the Lord and had sex before marriage. 

At first, I was happy having sex, but after a while, it was fear that made me have sex.  Afraid of someone not loving me, afraid that since I was overweight, I should be lucky that someone wanted to have sex with me or be with me.  My self-esteem was broken.

This week the Lord taught me about dating, as I learned what dating is I felt blessed to know how the Lord wants me to love myself and gain knowledge and wisdom to help others.  

There is a difference between dating and hanging out. Dating is where you take your time to get to know the person and have one on one time outside of the home.  Hanging is not doing anything but staying at each other’s home and watching movies and getting intimate too early in the relationship.  Whether you date or hang out it sets the tone for the relationship you will have with that person.

When people are ready to date, physical appearance is the most important factor we look for first.  Appearance is important for attracting a mate, we may see someone handsome and well-dressed, and we believe they are successful and has a good head on their shoulders.  People judge each other at first sight. A well-groomed individual gives a different first impression than an unkempt one.  This can be a downfall for people because they are basing their hopes and dreams of marriage on what they see first.  Physical appearance will fade and then it is time for a real relationship.

In an article from “Focus on the Family” people get to know each other by spending time together, you should build a real friendship with someone before pursuing romance. As the two of you experience things together, you will gradually discover the truth about one another’s morals, values, attitudes, and ways of treating other people. This will help you decide whether to go beyond the stage of friendship.

Hanging out or chilling in the crib can be harmful to your relationship.  I used to hate when guys would say “when are you going to cook for me” NEVER!  That was code for I only want sex nothing else, you are not worth my time, and I don’t care about you. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks states, “Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door” (Dating versus Hanging Out).

 I am grateful for learning this and I pray that I will listen and understand dating and marriage.