Communication

 Communication

I was told that in a relationship you are supposed to compromise and agree to disagree.  In one of my relationships, my partner did not believe you should compromise until you are married.  We would have disagreements on certain situations in our relationship and he wanted his way and would not compromise.  I was taught to share my feelings because people could not read my mind.  He would not compromise or even try some things my way.  It was a very difficult relationship.  I am thrilled we did not get married because I learned in my classes that how you date someone is how your marriage will be. 

Now I hear there should not be a compromise in a relationship it should be a consensus.  What is consensus, it is a general agreement.  I thought that is what compromise was but the compromise in a relationship is an accepted standard that is lower than desirable.   I rather have consensus than compromise.  Consensus can make a relationship stronger compromise can leave a relationship open for discussion and never be resolved. 

With consensus or compromise, there is always communication.  Communication is key in any relationship.  Author David Lund wrote a book on communication in a relationship called “Feeling Good Together” in his book he has a chart called “The Five Secrets of Effective Communication” also called “EAR”

EMPATHY

1.       The Disarming Technique (DI)

Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair. 

You must listen to what the other one is saying and, in those words, find the truth.  There is always truth in words.

2.       Empathy

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes.

·         Thought Empathy (TE) Paraphrase the other person’s words and let the person know their words are important.

·         Feeling Empathy (FE) Acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling based on what she or he said.  We all have feelings, and we want others to understand.

3.       Inquiry (IN)

Ask gentle probing questions to learn more about what the other persons are thinking and feeling.  I think of my daughter with the probing questions.

 My daughter can get very upset at times and I must ask probing questions to have her share her anger with me.

 

ASSERTIVENESS

4.       “I Feel” Statement (IF)

  Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner.  Use” I feel” statements, such as “I feel upset, “rather than “you” statements, such as “You’re wrong! or “You’re making me furious! 

We are so quick to defend ourselves when it comes to an argument that we don’t hear or see how the other person is feeling.  We just worry about our own feelings and don’t care about others. 

RESPECT

5.       Stroking (ST). I don’t like the word stroking, I rather use Praise (PR) 

Convey an attitude of respect, even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person.  Find something genuinely positive or praiseworthy to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. 

Sometimes in the heat of battle, we praise someone, and it will bring humor to the situation or calmness. 

Elder Neil L. Anderson wrote a talk at this past general conference “Following Jesus: Being a Peacemaker.  He stated, The Lord taught how to, then and now, in a contemptuous world.  “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He declares, “for they shall be called the children of God.”  By the shield of our faith in Jesus Christ, we become peacemakers, quenching meaning to calm, cool, or extinguish all the fiery darts of the adversary. How does a peacemaker calm and cool the fiery darts?  We remain confident in our faith, always void of anger or malice.

Communication is the key to being a peacemaker.  The Lord knew we needed to communicate with love and understanding and with the 5 secrets of effective communication, we can learn to understand someone when they speak their truth, have empathy for them, inquire about understanding their feelings, and let them know how you are feeling and praise them with love.