Communication

 Communication

I was told that in a relationship you are supposed to compromise and agree to disagree.  In one of my relationships, my partner did not believe you should compromise until you are married.  We would have disagreements on certain situations in our relationship and he wanted his way and would not compromise.  I was taught to share my feelings because people could not read my mind.  He would not compromise or even try some things my way.  It was a very difficult relationship.  I am thrilled we did not get married because I learned in my classes that how you date someone is how your marriage will be. 

Now I hear there should not be a compromise in a relationship it should be a consensus.  What is consensus, it is a general agreement.  I thought that is what compromise was but the compromise in a relationship is an accepted standard that is lower than desirable.   I rather have consensus than compromise.  Consensus can make a relationship stronger compromise can leave a relationship open for discussion and never be resolved. 

With consensus or compromise, there is always communication.  Communication is key in any relationship.  Author David Lund wrote a book on communication in a relationship called “Feeling Good Together” in his book he has a chart called “The Five Secrets of Effective Communication” also called “EAR”

EMPATHY

1.       The Disarming Technique (DI)

Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair. 

You must listen to what the other one is saying and, in those words, find the truth.  There is always truth in words.

2.       Empathy

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes.

·         Thought Empathy (TE) Paraphrase the other person’s words and let the person know their words are important.

·         Feeling Empathy (FE) Acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling based on what she or he said.  We all have feelings, and we want others to understand.

3.       Inquiry (IN)

Ask gentle probing questions to learn more about what the other persons are thinking and feeling.  I think of my daughter with the probing questions.

 My daughter can get very upset at times and I must ask probing questions to have her share her anger with me.

 

ASSERTIVENESS

4.       “I Feel” Statement (IF)

  Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner.  Use” I feel” statements, such as “I feel upset, “rather than “you” statements, such as “You’re wrong! or “You’re making me furious! 

We are so quick to defend ourselves when it comes to an argument that we don’t hear or see how the other person is feeling.  We just worry about our own feelings and don’t care about others. 

RESPECT

5.       Stroking (ST). I don’t like the word stroking, I rather use Praise (PR) 

Convey an attitude of respect, even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person.  Find something genuinely positive or praiseworthy to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. 

Sometimes in the heat of battle, we praise someone, and it will bring humor to the situation or calmness. 

Elder Neil L. Anderson wrote a talk at this past general conference “Following Jesus: Being a Peacemaker.  He stated, The Lord taught how to, then and now, in a contemptuous world.  “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He declares, “for they shall be called the children of God.”  By the shield of our faith in Jesus Christ, we become peacemakers, quenching meaning to calm, cool, or extinguish all the fiery darts of the adversary. How does a peacemaker calm and cool the fiery darts?  We remain confident in our faith, always void of anger or malice.

Communication is the key to being a peacemaker.  The Lord knew we needed to communicate with love and understanding and with the 5 secrets of effective communication, we can learn to understand someone when they speak their truth, have empathy for them, inquire about understanding their feelings, and let them know how you are feeling and praise them with love.

Family Stress

 Family Stress

Reuben Hill known family scholar developed the ABCX family crisis model to try to help families cope with different crises or stressors in their lives.  I have learned that if we do not have stress or crises in our lives we will not learn and grow from situations to be examples for others.

A – actual event

B – both resources/response

C – cognitions

X – eXperience

Let’s talk about how I am feeling right now with these ABCX crisis models.  The actual event I haven’t slept in about three days.  Both the resources and response are to contact my PCP and find out why this keeps happening to me.  Stop allowing social media to be my outlet. Cognition is to process my mental ability to deal with no sleep but learn from this experience so that I won’t keep going through this lack of sleep and be truthful with myself so my stress won’t last long, and I can get better.

What I just analyzed was just my stress, what do you do when it is family stress.  Will all members of the family recognize that a family member is going through stress?  It is important to recognize the place of pileups or prior strains.  A stressor does not occur in a vacuum but in the context of ongoing life.  (Lauer and Lauer’s chapter 13 Challenges to Intimacy page 286). 

Human beings try to hide their stress from family because they don’t want the family to worry.  They will find an outlet to help them control their stress, some will eat, some will excise, and some will do drugs.  Others will be abusive or become alcoholics.

There are different kinds of stressors.  Internal events that begin from someone inside the family such as getting drunk, suicide, or running for election.  External events that is something outside the family, can be earthquakes or inflation, which I believe everyone is going through now. Normative events are expected over the family life cycle, such as birth, marriage, and death.  Nonnormative unexpected events dying young, war, or being taken, hostage.  Ambiguous events for which you can’t get the facts and that are so unclear that you’re not even sure that it’s happening to you and your family.  Non-ambiguous event for which clear facts are available. (What when how and to whom).  Volitional events that are wanted and sought out such as freely chosen job change, college, or pregnancy.  Non-Volitional events that are not sought but just happen like lay off, or sudden loss.  A chronic event is a situation that’s too long to handle such as disease, addiction, or discrimination.  An acute event that lasts a short time but is severe, such as breaking a limb, losing a job, or failing a test.

Most of us as human beings experience all of these at the same time.  I found it funny that the last type of stressor is the one most used.  Cumulative events pile up, one right after the other, so that there is no resolution before the next one occurs, a dangerous situation in most cases.  The isolated event that occurs alone, at least with no other events appearing at the time, can be pinpointed easily.

Today I went through an isolated event, and I couldn’t shake it off me.  We learned that we must be truthful with ourselves in order for the stress to be relieved.  Learning how to cope with stress can be stressful.  I believe Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to control my stress because I am not only learning about how to control my response in college I am also learning how to do so at work.  

Intimacy or Sex

 “Today’s people struggle in a world without informing them that sex, marriage, and childbearing should be sequenced.”  There should also be intimacy throughout all this sex, marriage, and childbearing.     

What is intimacy, Wikipedia states “intimacy is an interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy?  Although an intimate relationship is commonly a sexual relationship, it may also be a non-sexual relationship involving family friends, or acquaintances.”

Honestly, this subject was hard for me to discuss.  I realized having a relationship with men I had never experienced intimacy.  My experience of intimacy was fear of being alone and not being loved, which I think most women experience.  Women fear that if they do not satisfy their partner’s needs, they will break up with them, and they also have sex to avoid conflict with their partner.  We are taught if we do not have a man in our lives, we are nothing without one.  I was already insecure about my body and the love I was not receiving from my family, but I was nothing without a man.  I tried to pay attention to what church taught me but most of my life was with the outside world.   Love was more important than God so that meant sex. 

We have agency over our bodies and have a right to say no if we do not want to have sex with the opposite sex.  The article “Raising the Bar on Intimate Relationships” states we have an equal vice regarding bedroom activities and need to feel able to genuinely choose to engage sexually or not.  Sometimes the less expressive partner needs to be able to speak first so that both can be heard.

The book “Marriage and Family in America” (pg. 83) states, “some people have sex simply for the sake of sex, but several experts have argued that sex without intimacy, like the casual sex of the on-nightstand, is of little or no value.  At best casual sex fails to fulfill our intimacy needs.  At worst. It leaves us feeling emptier and lonelier than we were before the experience.  Instead of enhancing the quality of our intimate lives.

I agree with this statement, I have felt empty inside not knowing what I needed.  Intimacy should have been a part of my life.  I did have intimacy once in my life and was the greatest feeling in the world knowing that someone loved me and wanted to protect me.   Intimacy does not have to come from a partner it can come from family.  My Aunt was my non-sexual intimate partner.  I never felt love like that before.  Safety was there for me each day.  The joy I felt knowing that she was waiting for me to come home and greet me and tell me she loves me was overwhelming. Six months after living with her, I was taken from her, and it broke my heart. When I was with her it did enhance my life.   I didn’t tell anyone how I felt but I know that her intimate love was true.

Lauer and Lauer state “on the average, Americans have sexual relations from two to four times a month.  More married people have better sex than do singles.”  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland states, “Human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God.”

Single people may have more sex, but they are never satisfied.  Sex is just like a drug, it’s like that first high of heroin, it’s the best high, and then where is the next hit, so that same high can come again, again, again but it doesn’t.  The body takes more and more, but it gets to be too much and now you are hooked.

Intimacy and sex are two different parts of a relationship, which one do you/me/people want?  Sex comes and goes but intimacy brings love and satisfaction. 

Marriage

 Marriage is hard, I have waited for marriage most of my life but what I have learned I am glad I have not gotten to that point at this moment.  I used to think God was punishing me for the sins I did in the past and He made me wait until He knew I was sinless.  I have learned that God is not a mean God, and he loves his children, and he knows what is best for us.  Marriage was supposed to give me a person to love me unconditionally, without judgment or criticism. I wanted to be married so that I could feel I belonged to someone.  I was told eventually I would be married and live forever with this person in God’s kingdom.  Marriage has not come yet but it will.  God’s time is not our time.

When most people talk about getting married, they start talking about the wedding.  When I say most people, I say the woman.  Women are brought up believing that the most important part of marriage is their wedding.  By the time most young women are 12, they have already planned every detail of what that special day will be.   

The special day even has a checklist.  I found the “12 Months Ultimate Wedding Checklist.”  12 months who is going to pay for the wedding, set theme, guest list, appoint bridesmaids and groomsmen, etc. Nine months wedding cars, florist, etc.  Six months book entertainment, wedding night accommodation, three months buy wedding rings, food tasting, finalizing the menu, two months dress fitting, guestbook.  After four weeks of speeches finalize the seating plan. 

Marriage is secondary to the wedding; women are never prepared for the marriage.  We think that the men are going to be everything that we see on tv, prince charming.  He will take care of us and love us until we day we die, but he thinks we will take care of him as his mother took care of him.  We both have this illusion of what life will be when we must live with each other and learn how our lives will change.

Nowadays it seems easier to live together and get to know how each person lives.  Marriage is scary, living together is safe no commitment no responsibilities.  Living together you can escape. Sex is free.  Roommates can come and go as they please.  Living in this society is the marriage, there are laws in some states that are making it easy for people to live without marriage, they can still have the benefits but not the responsibility of that paper.

What should we do, marry, or live together?  Society says live, be safe and never have to commit.  Religion says marry and live together forever.  What do you choose?